on the beat now

I take every opportunity I'm offered to make a wish.

When I was 7 I read a story that detailed the rules of wish making. It offered legitimate things to wish on, like seeing a white horse, as well as operational rules, like the more often a wish is wished the more powerful it becomes.

I began looking for things to wish on.

I don’t remember what I started out wishing for but I do know I kept the maxim ‘be careful what you wish for’ in mind and by high school I was constructing very specifically worded wishes. My wishes were optimistic, open-ended enough to allow for them to be fulfilled in amazing ways that I couldn’t imagine, and tied to specific events so I could wish the same wish for a period of time and know when to look for its granting.

I don’t remember how specific events I was wishing towards turned out but I guess my wishes went well because in my senior year I decided to create a wish that I could wish for the rest of my life. I can’t tell you what I came up with (everybody knows that if you don’t keep your wish a secret it won’t come true) but for nearly twenty years I’ve been saying the same seven words, at least once a day, every time I find myself in a magical moment.

My wish has not shielded me from sorrow or difficulty, but it is always there for me. The highlight of some of my days has been when I notice the clock turn 11:11 and I find something red to touch so I can make my wish. I had a lot of days like this in my first few postpartum months. Especially early on wishing offered me a moments respite from worrying about breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is no joke. It might be the most natural thing in the world, but do you know what else is the most natural thing in the world? Going to a secluded location and digging a hole in which to take a dump. I wish that people who pass judgment on the decisions a mother makes in regards to feeding her newborn would be forced into the wilderness in the dead of winter during a sleet storm after drinking eight shots of espresso.

But I digress.

Today I got to lie in bed with my daughter and after we played for a bit she had a mid morning snack. I kissed her crown as she made satisfied sounds and I marveled at my own satisfaction in the exchange. I used to calculate the days until she could be weaned, now it is a thing of wonder that I can enjoy breastfeeding my baby.

I was feeling fine when I rolled out of bed and noticed the time. Of course it was 11:11. I found something red to touch and for the first time in my life made my wish in the same moment as noticing it had been granted.