phobophobia

At least one of the textbooks on the shelf to the right of my fireplace states that the most effective way to deplete homophobia is for a phobic to get to know a homo.  We witnessed this reaction last week when a politician switched his stance on gay marriage after his son came out to him.  I think this effect is what people are driving at when they ask 'how would you react if you found out your kid was gay?'

I don’t believe gay is a choice or a sin or a defect. I don’t have first line of defense deflector shield levels of homophobia to chip through.  I do have numeral best friends, some of whom are gay, and I can honestly say I do not know how I would react if my child came to me and told me they were gay.

I know many gay people but I’ve only known three people before and during the time that they were coming to understand themselves as homosexuals.  Looking back I have to admit that my role in all three of their journeys was at best unsupportive and at worst downright cruel.  While I supported the fact that they were gay I was annoyed by their process of discovery and wanted them to accept the fact of their life that I could already see.

I can blame my behavior on youthful inexperience.  I can see that my actions were prompted by my longing for these people to cross the finish line and just be themselves already.  I didn’t understand how grueling the race toward truth could be.   I don’t know how or if my attitude had any effect on these individuals.  I do know I now have a person in my life who is wholly affected by my attitude and that all I can really do with my mistakes is learn from them so that I may do better in the future.  And this learning, it is a process.

When she was just a few days old our daughter exhibited behavior that wasn’t congruent with the idea we had about how our child would be.  She started sucking her thumb.  In that moment, during that time of overwhelming change and personality crushing stress, her thumb was forcibly removed from her mouth and she was given frantic direction about unacceptable behavior.  And then I hugged my daughter and I allowed her to follow her instincts and I cried out for help.

In that moment I broke.  I broke one of my connections to the societal ideal.  I broke the reaction I normally have after following a habit.  I broke into a place in my heart where I hold spots as soft and tender and vulnerable as a newborn baby.

In that moment I understood another facet of the human experience, one that ever person I have every judged has the capacity of feeling and one that will inform my every interaction from here on out.  Looking back on that moment I know that if my future holds the moment after my daughter tells me she is gay I don't have to worry about what my reaction will be.  I know can give the best support I have to offer in her endeavor towards the most important thing, being who she is supposed to be!