When looking into the past I often get caught in a web of dynamic tension. Seeing a previous version of my self I remember what I liked about how I was and reason that since I was that way once I have the potential to be that way again. I also recognize the potential I had in that moment in time and begin to regret the roads that weren’t taken.
I recently had a delightful experience looking at photographs of myself taken when I was in High School. I didn’t start to obsess about how if I lost weight and drank more water I could look like do in those pictures. I didn’t long to go back to that time and live my life differently with the benefit of hindsight. I just looked through the twenty year old images, recognizing and respecting who i was then.
All I have is love for the person in those pictures and love for the person typing this right now and it is a feeling of feeling good that I’m not sure I’ve ever noticed before. It isn’t a powerful force radiating out the top of my head like self-confidence and it isn’t a wave of excitement that rocks my torso like being head over heals happy.
This is a new sensation, subtle yet satisfying. Not wanting to change me now and not wanting to change me then sent me to a zone that felt warm and clear, it is the feeling I will evoke from now on when asked to picture my happy place. It is where I now lay foundation for intercession.
I want in fact more of you. In my mind I am dressing you with light; I am wrapping you up in blankets of complete acceptance…
- Franz Kafka